Back in the Computer saddle again…

In case you hadn’t noticed, I’ve been a little bit absent lately. Or, longly. Or, for a long while.  Perhaps you didn’t notice at all and that’s OK too!  It was a combination of things but mostly it was my lack of a working computer.  I had been preparing a post for someone else when my computer went belly up.  Being the computer illiterate that I am I immediately took a photo of my screen and sent it to our resident compuguru and his advise was, and I quote, “don’t touch anything”. I didn’t and though my first instinct was to begin CPR I waited until the guru had a look. He pronounced it dead. Like real dead. Deader than a doorknob, you can’t retrieve anything from this computer ever again dead. I tried to yell for the shock paddles but, it was too late. I took a deep breath, said good-bye and slowly stepped away.

Funny things happen when your method for writing decides to quit. Suddenly you get all the ideas. ALLLLLLL the ideas.  I should backtrack and mention that on this computer now only good as a cheese platter, I had ten years of writing, 15 years of art related portfolio information (including documentation of all the work I no longer have), allllll the pictures in the world and, and here is where it gets good, a book proposal I was almost finished with and preparing to find places to submit. Caput. Gone. Without so much as an adios, so long, sayonara, I’ll be seein’ ya.  I should add all these ideas that decided to pop up have nothing to do with what I already had done.  I resorted to emailing myself quick synopses so I could retain them-they always arrived at the most inopportune time and I almost always have my phone handy.

Fast forward to the arrival of the newest member of our household-a slick new (to me) computer. Oh, man, I had been waiting for this! In fact, I could hardly wait to begin fleshing out all those hastily emailed thoughts. Yup, I got right to it. I tested out the keys, ran my hand over the screen, made sure the face recognition software worked (you read right-face recognition), downloaded Netflix and immediately watched Trolls.

It was purely in the name of research to make sure all the pixels lined up and the sound checked out. Purely research. Then I downloaded the PBS app because I love British drama. And, for the sake of more research, watched an episode of Grantchester and My Mother and Other Strangers. I figured the second one wouldn’t hurt…just needed to be sure my research was complete. Then, I played a little solitaire-at least until I won because I usually delete that anyway but I thought I should at least try it out before giving it the old heave-ho.

Once I made sure that all the bells and whistles checked out I decided I needed to configure my internet thing a ma jiggy so I could set all the whatevers up and select my favorite home page. Then I browsed a few items like Facebook and Instagram just to make sure those worked. I stayed away from Pinterest though because that is a rabbit hole. Seriously.   And Amazon; because books.

After a brief hour or two of that, I then fiddled with a few settings. Forgot to eat dinner. Downloaded some updates and found myself at eleven o’clock-that would be p.m. o’clock-with absolutely nothing done. No writing, no cooking, no house work, no nuthin’. Well, that’s not entirely true. I now had an ear worm related to my Netflix excursion. And my backside was numb, but that could be from anything. I thought about checking out WebMD for a quick diagnosis but thought I should get at least a little work done…

Yes, I am so happy to be a computer owner again! Because now I can really crank out the writing. Wait, I think I saw something about the next season of Outlander-I better go look that up. And check my email. Is that a Facebook notification? I better check. Oooh, and I almost forgot about Pinterest. One quick visit can’t hurt, right?

I can always write tomorrow…


What dreams…

I am going to begin with a disclaimer: I wrote this post yesterday.  I put down the words and then put down the computer to think about it for awhile.  One thing I try to be here is vulnerable-which is hard.  The other I try to be is honest. My tagline reads Art, Life and Everything in Between.  This is going to be an in between post.  I wrote it all out as a way to work through-it’s about a dream by the way-just what it means, or what it means for me.  I am still feeling the emotion of this dream so tangibly that my heart rate picks up a bit when I think of it.

So, what follows is just a dream. Or maybe it is more of a hope, somehow.

I woke from a dream this morning with my ears ringing with a chant that was being repeated-growing louder with each repetition. ‘Hear me. See me. Feel me.”  HEAR ME. SEE ME. FEEL ME.” This dream left me rattled, its words still echoing in my ears so many hours later.  Hear me. See me. Feel me.

I am a vivid dreamer but, unlike so many dreams, this one left a tangible wake. It left lingering images and words so clear it was as if they actually happened. And, as is the want of dreams, it was pulling from memory, experience and longings that bubble up from deep within.

For example (and this will be the humor portion of the post): earlier in the day I had had a flash memory of something that would repeat itself in my childhood.  I had always longed for, well, really long hair. Every year right before school my mother would ‘trim’ my hair and, inevitably, I would end up with a pixie cut-much to my humiliation. This translated into me actually getting and having a really bad haircut in my dream.  Evidently my dream psyche has a sense of humor.

Aside from the bad hair, what I saw in this dream was people. I was surrounded by people. They were all colors. Some were older, some younger. Many were dressed in ordinary, what looked to be, work related clothing. All bore some sort of burden, were broken, un-something, but none were un-hurt. I couldn’t see their individual burden but I knew it was there. Some were unshaven, disheveled,  most indistinguishable one from another- except for their faces.

One man in particular stood out. He was yelling at me. His face is so clear and I can still feel the heat of his breath on my face.  The words are garbled but I felt them more than heard them, and they bored deep into my soul. I was being blamed and judged. I was wanting. I was accused. And, I was angry. I waited until he was finished, losing sight of the throng of people surrounding us, and looking deeply into his face I began to speak.

You think I don’t know hurt? You think I have never been judged or looked down on? You think I don’t know pain? You think because I am me that I have never been beaten up, bloodied, broken? You think that I don’t know what it is to suffer?

I have been hurt. My heart has been crushed and has ached with loss. My soul has been shamed and lied to.  I have never been good enough. I HAVE been judged. I have been deceived and believed these deceptions. I have been broken and bloodied in fights. Was beaten as a child and scrapped on the playground to protect myself. I’ve been the outsider, the disregarded, the friendless, the un-chosen. Did you know I was abandoned at birth? Left for nothing? That this leaves a mark of emptiness and heartache all the days of your life? It marks you for the unwanted. Forever. Did you know? My hurt may not look like your hurt but pain is pain. So when you look at me don’t you dare think that I. Don’t. Know. **

I know these things are true of me and I can bet that they are true to you-these three things are all I want  from others and I know they are all you want too-Hear me. See me. Feel me.  Acknowledge I exist. HEAR ME. SEE ME. FEEL ME.  Pay attention; let me know that though the voice is soft the reverberation shakes the foundation. HEAR ME.  Look past what you see-look me in the eyes and SEE ME.  Understand that there is hurt hiding in the recesses and that pain pulses in this heart. FEEL ME. Until we can do these things together we can never understand together.

As I continued to speak my throat ached and my voice grew louder. People began to chant HEAR ME, SEE ME, FEEL ME. The chanting grew and I reached out to take this dirty, grizzled man’s hand-to lift him up to stand. We began to chant together HEAR ME, SEE ME, FEEL ME and this sound filled the air bouncing and crashing in on itself again and again annnnnnnd then I woke up.

It is after two in the afternoon and I am still reeling from this dream.  It is antithetical to how I function-I am mostly quiet, far from being a motivational speaker, do my best to hide from the ugliness of my past and focus on the now, don’t know that many people and avoid crowds like the plague (it’s an introvert thing).  I am sure I could expound on the individual traits of the dream but everything can be analyzed to smithereens so I’ll leave that to the experts. All I know-and this really is all I know-is that for some reason I had a powerful dream that has upended my day and may upend many to come.

The point of this post? Mostly to unload my thoughts so they stop the swirl that they are causing.  This dream may mean nothing at all, as is the truth of many dreams. Like Scrooge explaining Jacob Marley’s appearance-perhaps it was indigestion or exhaustion that caused this dream. Whatever the cause, I feel rattled. Like something has been shaken loose.  I’ll need a few days to figure out the what and how-or perhaps I will forget about it but at least I got it out.

Till next time…

** I feel I need to add that these are truths in my life-not merely random words that a dream would insert.