I am going to begin with a disclaimer: I wrote this post yesterday. I put down the words and then put down the computer to think about it for awhile. One thing I try to be here is vulnerable-which is hard. The other I try to be is honest. My tagline reads Art, Life and Everything in Between. This is going to be an in between post. I wrote it all out as a way to work through-it’s about a dream by the way-just what it means, or what it means for me. I am still feeling the emotion of this dream so tangibly that my heart rate picks up a bit when I think of it.
So, what follows is just a dream. Or maybe it is more of a hope, somehow.
I woke from a dream this morning with my ears ringing with a chant that was being repeated-growing louder with each repetition. ‘Hear me. See me. Feel me.” HEAR ME. SEE ME. FEEL ME.” This dream left me rattled, its words still echoing in my ears so many hours later. Hear me. See me. Feel me.
I am a vivid dreamer but, unlike so many dreams, this one left a tangible wake. It left lingering images and words so clear it was as if they actually happened. And, as is the want of dreams, it was pulling from memory, experience and longings that bubble up from deep within.
For example (and this will be the humor portion of the post): earlier in the day I had had a flash memory of something that would repeat itself in my childhood. I had always longed for, well, really long hair. Every year right before school my mother would ‘trim’ my hair and, inevitably, I would end up with a pixie cut-much to my humiliation. This translated into me actually getting and having a really bad haircut in my dream. Evidently my dream psyche has a sense of humor.
Aside from the bad hair, what I saw in this dream was people. I was surrounded by people. They were all colors. Some were older, some younger. Many were dressed in ordinary, what looked to be, work related clothing. All bore some sort of burden, were broken, un-something, but none were un-hurt. I couldn’t see their individual burden but I knew it was there. Some were unshaven, disheveled, most indistinguishable one from another- except for their faces.
One man in particular stood out. He was yelling at me. His face is so clear and I can still feel the heat of his breath on my face. The words are garbled but I felt them more than heard them, and they bored deep into my soul. I was being blamed and judged. I was wanting. I was accused. And, I was angry. I waited until he was finished, losing sight of the throng of people surrounding us, and looking deeply into his face I began to speak.
You think I don’t know hurt? You think I have never been judged or looked down on? You think I don’t know pain? You think because I am me that I have never been beaten up, bloodied, broken? You think that I don’t know what it is to suffer?
I have been hurt. My heart has been crushed and has ached with loss. My soul has been shamed and lied to. I have never been good enough. I HAVE been judged. I have been deceived and believed these deceptions. I have been broken and bloodied in fights. Was beaten as a child and scrapped on the playground to protect myself. I’ve been the outsider, the disregarded, the friendless, the un-chosen. Did you know I was abandoned at birth? Left for nothing? That this leaves a mark of emptiness and heartache all the days of your life? It marks you for the unwanted. Forever. Did you know? My hurt may not look like your hurt but pain is pain. So when you look at me don’t you dare think that I. Don’t. Know. **
I know these things are true of me and I can bet that they are true to you-these three things are all I want from others and I know they are all you want too-Hear me. See me. Feel me. Acknowledge I exist. HEAR ME. SEE ME. FEEL ME. Pay attention; let me know that though the voice is soft the reverberation shakes the foundation. HEAR ME. Look past what you see-look me in the eyes and SEE ME. Understand that there is hurt hiding in the recesses and that pain pulses in this heart. FEEL ME. Until we can do these things together we can never understand together.
As I continued to speak my throat ached and my voice grew louder. People began to chant HEAR ME, SEE ME, FEEL ME. The chanting grew and I reached out to take this dirty, grizzled man’s hand-to lift him up to stand. We began to chant together HEAR ME, SEE ME, FEEL ME and this sound filled the air bouncing and crashing in on itself again and again annnnnnnd then I woke up.
It is after two in the afternoon and I am still reeling from this dream. It is antithetical to how I function-I am mostly quiet, far from being a motivational speaker, do my best to hide from the ugliness of my past and focus on the now, don’t know that many people and avoid crowds like the plague (it’s an introvert thing). I am sure I could expound on the individual traits of the dream but everything can be analyzed to smithereens so I’ll leave that to the experts. All I know-and this really is all I know-is that for some reason I had a powerful dream that has upended my day and may upend many to come.
The point of this post? Mostly to unload my thoughts so they stop the swirl that they are causing. This dream may mean nothing at all, as is the truth of many dreams. Like Scrooge explaining Jacob Marley’s appearance-perhaps it was indigestion or exhaustion that caused this dream. Whatever the cause, I feel rattled. Like something has been shaken loose. I’ll need a few days to figure out the what and how-or perhaps I will forget about it but at least I got it out.
Till next time…
** I feel I need to add that these are truths in my life-not merely random words that a dream would insert.