When I am painting I usually reach a point that I call the ‘ugly teenager’ phase. You know, that point where nothing does what it suppose to do and every mark seems to make it worse and not better. In fact, I am pretty sure that if my paintings could talk this would be the point where they would tell me that I am a lousy painter, I can’t do anything right and then slam the door in my face. I kind of love reaching that point-well love is a strong word but I’ll stick with it-because it means that the good stuff is just around the corner.
I am sincerely hoping this works for writing too. 31 days of writing is really no big deal if I put it into the perspective of eternity, global economics, curing cancer and space travel but for some reason I can’t come up with anything of value to say! Perhaps it is this inner struggle that is taking place-this dialogue that is pushing its way to the forefront of my time.
What, exactly, do I want to do with my life? What SHOULD I be doing? Why can’t I just be content?
I really wish I could just stamp my foot in a huff, slam the door on these thoughts and go back to baking cookies. Which I don’t do by the way. I think I have reached the ‘ugly teenager’ phase of my adult life. I object to the term ‘middle-aged’ because it conjures up images of stodgy, stuffy buttoned up older people OR the stereotypical crisis image-too tight, too fast, too bleached, too tanned and neither is one I identify with or am willing to settle for. Cripes-I didn’t fit in as a real teenager and I still can’t manage to fit in as an adult!
It looks like this will end up being more of a journal entry than a blog post but it is what it is so feel free to click through to something more interesting-it won’t hurt my feelings. Readership has been in sharp decline the last few days so maybe this is why I feel a bit freer to let my hair down and let the whining fly! Anyway, I think I have bought into a prescribed outline of time according to what’s always been done. You are born, you go to kindergarten, suffer through middle school, hate high school, go to college to find yourself and/or get married, have kids, loose yourself and your mind, regain it, wake up in a mid life crisis, ponder said crisis, buy a walker, research assisted living facilities, invest in Depends, and, well, you know the rest. Is it so wrong not to want the status quo?
What if you got some of the list out of order and find yourself a little older but just discovering that you have ‘stuff’ you gotta do? What if you skipped a few steps and never stopped to figure out who exactly you are to begin with and wake up one day to realize that you aren’t who you have been? Does that even make sense? I think a lot of this rambling has to do with figuring out voice. That central location that hides your inner most truth-the what you were made to become. And somehow it isn’t what you have been doing all along but you have no idea what it means.
I have set up a little corner for myself in the second bedroom of our temporary place (I can’t bring myself to call it home…or the condo-which sounds just. so. middle. aged). I have this amazing table that I traded our old dining table for and squeezed it between the foot of the bed and closet door. Half of the table has a view out the window-well more of a view of the back of shrubs but if I sit up straight I can see the back field. It’s a win/win…I can procrastinate, look out the window and work on my posture all at the same time! The other half of the table faces a wall-which works out great for an inspiration space…
It looks so purty! Nothing fancy but it does make me feel a little bit more settled/organized. Maybe even a little more validated-like, I am getting ready to do something really cool? OK, so maybe I have a little something up my sleeve that I am preparing for but I don’t want to jinx it so I’m not going to spill too much here-but there’s a hint over on my website!
This is a lot of words just to say that changes are on the way-and not the hot flash kind. LOL, middle aged humor-gotta love it. I am looking out the window (look at me all sitting up strait and stuff!) and I can see these three trees that I have nicknamed the three graces. They are huge and are in a line according to size with the largest being the closest. They have each taken their turn changing colors and slowly fading. The largest is in her fullest glory with her leaves this beautiful green gold, orange tipped magnificence. If only middle age were celebrated like the fall colors. I love the line from Calendar Girls-if you haven’t seen it here’s the trailer-and, by they way, you should see the movie (totally)-the quote is in there as a bonus…
I am trying to live in that ‘most glorious’ place. The full brilliance of where I am at this moment and shed off the stereotypes or the expectations of those who, well, have expectations. I want to go out and join the graces-stand up close and draw in some of that radiance for my own and then carry it with me.
So, there you have it. Nothing didactic today. I am not going to quote anything other than my own neuroses and I won’t even link this to 31 days-even though I am totally counting it towards my goal. I am also using at as measuring stick to determine if I am just crazy enough to attempt NANOWRIMO. Prolly not this year-but some year I am so totally going to do that-no, really. This year I think I am too busy trying to figure it all out.
BTW, if you don’t have a sense of humor-whatever you do don’t click on the word totally in this post….