So, they turned down our offer. We had agonized over the decision to make the offer based on the amount of work that would be needed to get the old place cleaned up and presentable-which most likely meant tearing it down! And, they turned us down. We were both disappointed but I wasn’t as disappointed as I thought I would be.
Don’t get me wrong-I am desperate to find ‘home’ again! I am learning to be appreciative of things like a place to live that is already furnished-even if it has a fake leather-ish sofa-even if it has four weirdly small spoons-even if the dishwasher leaves the dishes covered with a layer of grit AND, even if it has a vacancy sign! It’s all ok-really. Funny thing is-I think it has something to do with an idea I had in the shower the other day.
I was literally talking/praying out loud in the shower and working my way through the labyrinth of emotions related to loosing my sense of place. I started a sentence with ‘If it is your will…blah…blah and then I stopped. If it is his will. OK. Well, what if it’s not? Well, why not? Then it dawned on me-praying this line wasn’t helpful-at least not for a small beans issue like this. I wasn’t going to force his hand in any way and my prayers for his will-in my favor or against it-would probably not change the outcome-at least not on the offer for a dilapidated old farm house. On a deep level I felt like I have been doing it wrong. But it is usually how I have heard prayers go so it had to be ‘right’-right?
I am not sure why but suddenly I felt I needed to make the prayer specifically about my heart. I began to think that praying if it is your will please let this or that happen leaves the door open to feel wronged and dismayed if I don’t ‘get’ what I want. What if it was flipped? What would happen if I prayed for me? What if the prayer was the capacity to receive His decision with grace and acceptance? How about praying for trust in his leading that he will provide a home in HIS time while providing daily bread in the meantime? If you had this figured out already, please bear with me because-wow-his wasn’t how I was taught to pray.
Based on experience, it seems antithetical to pray for ‘me’ So, here’s the deal-asking for my heart to be changed makes me culpable and responsible in my reactions, feelings, words and actions and who wants that! Turns out I did. Praying this way allowed God to work in me in such a direct way that I wasn’t quite prepared for what happened. I accepted the rejection of our offer and was able to take a deep breath and felt a comfort-COMFORT-weird. Not sadness, not a sense of being let down, no stamping my spoiled little foot and saying “Come on! It was a good offer!”. I was just…well…OK and-AND (here’s the kicker) I didn’t feel that hopeless feeling I’ve had in the past when things didn’t ‘go my way’.
It looks like I’ll be living under the vacancy sign for a while yet! I am gonna work on praying about the sofa because it will take a miracle for me to like that thing-that and disinfecting wipes 😉
Enjoy the AND because that is where the journey is happening-
P.S. If this is your first time here check out the 31 Days tab to find out more about the challenge and Welcome! I hope you come back 😉 AND, if you want to catch up check out these earlier posts-
Day 1-And So We Begin…
Day 2-Coffee Pot with a View
Day 4-Secrets, Who Me?
Day 5 –Breathing Space for Sunday
Day 6-A Little Pumpkin Sitting
Day 7-…Brevity is sweetness…
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