You know, it is the strangest thing-in my twenties I was sure my thirties would be so much better. Then they arrived. They were pretty awesome but I anxiously awaited the promise that my forties held. According to all the periodic ‘experts’ my forties would be a veritable feast of accomplishment, confidence and satisfaction. Page after page described exactly what I had to look forward too-more this, more that and more pleasure in this and that. OK, so some of it might be true but the truth is most of it was bogus (conservative for bullshit).
It’s really kind of funny when I think about it-at the point when I was beginning to feel as though I might have some hope as that confident, satisfied and successful (according to some standards) woman I was faced with a situation where someone ten years my junior-who happened to be my boss- reminded me that I might be older but he was smarter and that I should trust his judgement. Humph. Someone as confident, satisfied and successful as myself should be able to laugh it off and chalk it up to inexperience (not mine). Granted, I have gray hair-it started when I was nineteen and has gained healthy ground ever since. I made the choice to accept it rather than fight it and-quite frankly-I had never had anyone tell me when I was younger that I had the greatest mousy brown hair. However, I have had this happen with the gray. In check out lines. In dressing rooms. In places where women just act like women. Yes, I am happy with my decision to live up to my gray. What I am not happy with is where I am. There. I said it.
I have an amazing job-most folks would love to have it. I have decided it is time to let one of them have a go at it. The things I have always wanted have never involved what I am doing. Do. Not. Get. Me Wrong. Here. What I am currently doing has value-powerful value-but I am not the one to continue doing it. I am cut out for different things and you know what? I am so good with it.
Occasionally, I talk about the more important issue of faith and this comes into play in this situation as well. I gave up what I love to go a direction I knew God was leading me to do and I was rewarded beyond what I anticipated. I also learned that I am capable of whatever it is that God chooses to assign to me. Oddly enough, in accepting what He put me to do-He also showed me what I could be doing-only differently. As much as it would be easier to continue doing what I am doing I am hearing that I have done what I was called to but that I have done it and I could be doing what I have always wanted to do. Something that is simpler, closer to who I am, and-did I mention-what I have always wanted to do.
I know for a fact that I am not unique-that there are others that have felt the way I have or experienced what I have. Nothing. New. But it is new to me and disquieting territory. I heard someone say once that something worth the doing was not always going to be easy-and it hasn’t been-nor will the path ahead be any easier. BUT, easy or not it needs doing.
In the meantime-life forges on and people are experiencing terrible and beautiful things, all at the same time. My role will continue to evolve in this existence-as will everyone else’s. My dilemma is simple in the grand scheme of things but changing me-none-the-less. My hope, and prayer, is that those who are suffering and struggling will find peace and direction and breathing space. That they (or you) will be aware of the the presence of God and that it will comfort.
So, as I multi-task and wax philosophical I also anticipate. God is working here-and where ever you are as well. I am not sure he is working through the Sex in the City episode I am enjoying but I am going to do just that-enjoy it and wish you a peaceful night. G’nite.