It is interesting to experience a seismic transition in attitude in the span of a few moments! Life has been sailing along and I felt that all was as it should be-shows you what I know! I can’t explain it and whether it is ‘meant to be’, ‘God’s will’ or whatever it is this could be called-I still can’t explain it. I can’t even resolve it and this is almost more frustrating than not knowing what is going on.
I have frequently written about my job and how fortunate I am to have a job that has such tremendous potential to do good for so many people-something I still believe. Why is it then that I face a conflict in conviction? What I know is that it is good and right and true-what I wonder is if it is still what I am suppose to be doing. Not an easy thing to grapple with. There is something that I am suppose to learn from this whole experience and I would feel a whole lot better if I had a syllabus that would explain the outcomes of this experiment!
The exponential growth rate I have experienced over the last year has stretched me beyond bounds of my understanding of myself and my capacities and I have welcomed it (especially since it didn’t come with stretch marks!). What is strange is that I feel-literally feel-that I have reached a wall. What is equally confounding is that I simply don’t know what comes next. Stay? Go? A combination of both?
I have hours of rumination and prayer ahead of me…and hopefully resolution.