It is hard to give words to the feeling that I carried around yesterday. I eventually determined that it landed somewhere near to the idea that my marrow had been replaced with helium and that the only thing keeping me grounded was the sheer weight of my flesh. I felt that at any moment my flesh would give way and my skeleton would disband itself with a couple of dull tugs followed by a macabre hollow/flat chime effect as it drifted off.
The tug-o-war going on with my my emotions is, I am sure, responsible for this disconcerting feeling. On the one hand I am required to subscribe to a practical and pragmatic form which keeps my tears in check, my smile fixed and an affected cold detachment from the truth. On the other? Well, the mom’s heart in me keeps a running dialog of things that should be said accompanied by a time-lapse replay of everything from blowing bubbles to a honeymoon send-off. Now, you must understand that I am accused of being overly sentimental at times. I’ve kept notes, drawings, lopsided sculptures, outgrown baby clothes, ticket stubs, scrapbooks, stuffed animals and the list could go on. Not to the extreme that I need an extra wing on the house to store it all but each of my children has an adequate documentation of their younger years.
While some (namely my spouse) see this as ‘overly sentimental’ I see it as a necessity. I believe in being intentionally thoughtful. Not just the kind gesture/chicken soup sort of thoughtfulness but living with the intention that there is meaning-to thoughtfully go forward. Each mistake is to be learned from not ignored or avoided. Each joy should be savored for the delicacy that it is. Each grief is to be entered into with the understanding that it will be exited by way of growth. So, with this new ‘moment’ (for lack of a better word) there has been an minor realignment of daily life and I intend to approach it the same way. Being un-navigated territory, in my experience, means that I am learning a new pathway. While this is not a unique situation-it is unique to my, no-our lives. I want to make sure I emerge on the other side of it assured that there is no encouragement left unsaid, no pride left unexpressed and no hug un-hugged.
Face it people-it is easy to forget the ephemerality (I know-not a real word but it works) of a day-a week-a lifetime. We get comfortable and think we have all the time in the world to get around to doing these things-or, there are those who simply don’t see the need in doing them at all (I want you to know I feel sorry for you). Say the words, because NO-they don’t always know you love them. Do something AND make it mean something. Hug. Set your pride, self-consciousness, your upbringing or whatever else it is that prevents you from letting your guard down-GET OVER IT and don’t let it keep you from doing the simplest things that let people know they are important, that they mean something and that they are loved.
OK-serious stuff so, I will get off my soapbox and get on with my daily list. I have groceries to get, weeds to pull, vacuuming and dishes to wash (dishwashers always die at the most inconvenient times). I am pretty sure the helium has dissipated and there is no threat of my skeleton making a hasty exit in the baking isle so, I am learning-which is a good thing. I do need one more cup of coffee though or you may find me sleeping in the baking isle-which would NOT be a good thing….