All this to say, from my ‘office’ I have a great view of the lake and this morning I was rewarded-simply and beautifully.    Today is gray, rainy and a bit on the dreary side-a perfect day to accomplish mundane tasks.  Settling in to work on a long list of these I was rewarded by sighting our neighborhood bald eagles.  We haven’t seen them much this January because there isn’t any measurable ice on the water.  This time of year we are usually able to see them perching in trees, ice fishing and passing on hunting wisdom from one generation to the next.  The lack of ice allowed me to see a full on eagle, open water, fish grab-a first for me! And breathtaking.

It seems that the drear of the mundane and ordinary can overwhelm my ability to appreciate what is around me. When the gray of the day, the dry of the task and the dull of the work combine to chip away at that sense of joy and wonder it is so easy to forget simple things-like looking out the window.  I am so grateful that my change of office gave me a change in scenery-literally! I was really trying to come up with a solution but was distracted by the quantity of water foul hanging out on the lake.  It looked like a Madcap Coffee  for Mallards out there and I was wondering what they could possibly be meeting about.  OK, so there is no other way to say this-next thing I knew (sounds hokey I know) out of nowhere (equally cliche) this slow moving avian version of a C-5 spreads his talons, swoops in and snatches a sizable catch from the great Black Lake. I confess, I held my breath.  In that moment I knew that people live their entire lives and never see something as simply beautiful as this.

This is a stressful season of life right now and it is easy to become myopic, not seeing what is around and knowing only the stress, the sense of loss, the anxiety or whatever it is at that moment. What a gift to be reminded of the world around me-to have looked out the window at that moment, to forget everything else…to have my breath taken away.  I imagine there are gifts like this scattered all around but I fail to recognize them because I am so focused on the gray, the dry and the dull. I love how God captures me again and again through something simple-something that may be right outside my window more times than I know-all I have to do is look.

Here’s to finding the simple thing today that takes your breath away-if only for a second. Or, makes you smile-forgetting that long list of dry and dull that keeps you busy.

I can remember the breathless feeling I had when I heard the words “I’ve been deployed”.  I remember taking a big inhale and calmly saying something about an adventure or that it will be great to put your training to good use-all drivel and nothing more than a thin veil.  What was really going on was a sudden onslaught of memories clashing with treacherous possibilities that could, ultimately, cost me my child.  Obviously, I am not going to dance around the reality.  Well, here we are a long way down the road and I am back to where I was when I first heard those words.

Somewhere along the way I quit telling folks my son was being deployed-mostly because of the responses I got in return. “I hear they are pulling troops out”.  Yup, but what you don’t hear is that they are still sending them but thank you for pointing that out.  ”He’ll be just fine”.  Thank you, but you can’t guarantee that so don’t placate me with this reassurance. “I am so sorry”.  At least this is honest-but still not helpful.  These are a few of the reason’s I have quit talking, blogging and sharing about the situation. Yes, I am being harsh but it is kind of where I am at and it helps me cope.

As you may have discerned, I am back to talking about it mostly since I have crossed over into a reality I had hoped would never really come.  In fact, I had a dream within the last week that the deployment had been cancelled-that is how hard I am rebelling against this in my heart.  As reality, and the Army, would have it we have now crossed over into the knowing and I sure wish I could say it was easier because we had a long time to prepare for it.

I have seen different sides of this-I have been the wife left  behind and am now a mother letting go of a child.  I would have to say that this is the harder road.  I will not diminish the experience of any spouse-my son is leaving behind an amazing young woman and it is painful for her-and for those around her who see her pain.  I can remember some of that and I will do my best to support her through this process.  As a mom, to protect a child is basic instinct and to take that ability away makes for a difficult go of it.

A couple of things I can always count on are A) my ability to self protect through sarcasm and B) that God is going to get my attention and remind me that he’s got this one.  I of ten forget the B category-I mean, A comes so naturally to me.  Once again he has tapped me on the shoulder and told me to unpack my big-girl panties because I am going to need them.  He reminded me that I have a right to my feelings-they are, after all, something He has given me-but that He has this one for me. So, when I can’t seem to carry this one-like now-He can.  I am so grateful.

OK, so, before the screen gets too blurry, I am going to share  a prayer with you.  It comes from the book of Common Prayer, A Liturgy for Ordinary Radicals.  It ends each days morning meditation and it is a prayer I have shared with my son:

May the peace of the Lord Christ go with you:

Where ever he may send you:

May HE guide you through the wilderness:

Protect you through the storm;

May he bring you home rejoicing:

At the wonders he has shown you;

May he bring you home rejoicing:

Once again to our doors.

Peace-in both the abstract and concrete form-to each of you, especially for all the other families who come into the knowing along with us.

It was dutifully sappy and pulled all the emotional strings but the prayer at the end has stuck with me. It went like this:

I pray you enough sun to keep your attitude bright no matter how gray the day may appear.

I pray you enough rain to appreciate the sun even more.

I pray you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive and everlasting.

I pray you enough pain so that even the smallest of joys in life may appear bigger.

I pray enough gain to satisfy your wanting.

I pray you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.

I pray you enough hellos to get you through the final good-byes.

I will avoid my typical over analytic approach to all things spiritual or theological and suspend any aversion to populist ‘hooks’ and touch on what stuck with me-the enough.  I don’t know about you but prayer-for me-tends to be an all or nothing proposition.  I don’t just pray for work-I pray for a ‘good job’ (translated $$).   I don’t want my friend to feel better, I want complete and total healing and a great new haircut to boot.  I pray for more, bigger, better, best- but enough? What is enough? Can I relate to ‘enough’?  Aren’t we wired to want more? Shouldn’t we want the best?  This simple little chain mail really got me thinking-more than I anticipated.

This time of year I struggle with resolutions.  Everyone around me is resolving to loose weight, get fit, get a better job, be a better person, do more of this less of that, facilitate world peace and learn how to change a tire.  Me? I suffer from performance anxiety on a regular basis and making resolutions is another way to get my knickers in a knot about not living up to them-thus I avoid them-like the plague.  This may be one year that I succumb to a resolution-really!  Enough.  I am going to say it-and I feel those knickers creeping already-I resolve to live enough.  While this may seem like an under achievers kind of resolution, trust me-it isn’t.

Let me clarify here.  I am not willing to settle for mediocrity-that isn’t what this is about.  This is about being open to contentment and acceptance and to being, living, in the moment.  Pain isn’t something to run from. Loss is a reality. Rain can be a blessing.  Why should I spend so much time getting past these as quickly as possible?  In pain-physical or emotional-I tend to draw nearer to God.  Loss does the same and increases my gratitude for what remains. Rain? It may move me indoors but think of the nourishment it provides.  I am an expert at overlooking these things-of focusing too much on what isn’t happening to me, what I am not good enough at and guilty of the intense navel gazing that inhibits my ability to see past the end of my nose. So, with this track record-enough will be a challenge. A big one.

My husband once told me that I am never satisfied.  For some relationships them be fighting words.  For ours he was pointing out something that I have prided myself on-never being satisfied. My next painting will be better.  The next time I do whatever, I will do it better, I will always move forward, I will never settle for less than what will mean achieving a better state of whatever–see the trend here?  This makes it very easy for  knicker knotting and performance anxiety.  Not a great equation for contentment. So enough. I pray that 2012 marks the year when I can see enough in the world around me, the people around me, the circumstances around me. Enough.

I pray this for you as well.  I pray you enough.

May you have a beautiful 2012!

“What else is on your bucket list?”

In that instant I realized my bucket list was somewhat empty.  My response ended up being remarkably accurate-I often add things to my bucket list once I experience them!  This is odd, I realize that.  Most folks have a bucket list that includes traveling or climbing a mountain or running a marathon–large scale accomplishments that instill a sense of satisfaction upon completion.  I think I must have some sort of fluid relationship with goals and achievements and long term goals are simply too distant for me to contemplate.  What I like is the ‘now’.  I also like ‘yes’.

Presented with a challenge I find compelling, or feel the growth quotient would be great, I tend to say yes and ask questions later. This method  has landed me in some of the best and most satisfying situations I have experienced. I certainly didn’t know beforehand that it was something I wanted to do but  have, invariably, concluded that it should have been on my bucket list. So, I add it and then cross it off. I will add a disclaimer: this ‘yes’ mentality doesn’t preclude the necessity of making mindful choices.  If someone asks me to run a marathon…next week…I am going to say no (quite emphatically!).  Although, I think I would say no even if they asked me to do it next year-just not my thing.

Most experiences, or jobs, or whatever, I can equate with a blank canvas. Some of the artists I know say that a white canvas is intimidating-that is why they throw a wash of color on it to begin. Therein lies the yes. Engaging with the process.  What comes next is added one stroke at a time until it is complete.  There are mistakes, wipe offs, scrap offs-even sand offs-before the piece comes together to create a satisfying experience for the artist.  What you are left with is the learned history of the process that you carry on to the next piece–but there is always a next piece!

OK, I know I am mixing my metaphors but they work together in my head (no comments from the peanut gallery that knows me please).  The nature of my artistic process will frequently leave me with a work I hadn’t anticipated creating-the idea is fluid and changes and flexes and stretches along the way.  It is the same when I say yes to doing something new.  I may have an idea of what it could look like but it seldom matches my expectations.  More often than not, my expectations are exceeded and I am left stretched, flexed and better for it.

As far as my bucket list goes, I ended up adding to it this week.  Of course, I crossed it off as well but I may re-add this to the  list intentionally and see what happens.

Another list that needs some attention is my to-do list.  This one isn’t nearly as fun-and seldom gets shorter and there isn’t a hole in site…guess I better get to it!

Second order of business–my day.  I feel a little bit like a kid in a candy store (they had candy) and that I got to have recess for about six hours. I’m just sayin’, it is hard to beat what I got to do today.

I couple of weeks back I was invited to participate in an event that would help develop new initiatives for an organization in Grand Rapids, MI called WMCAT (West Michigan Center for Arts and Technology).  This is a place worth checking out!  They touch, impact and change the lives of youth and adults living in poverty and expand the horizon of hope.  What a privilege to spend time with the leadership of this organization-the passion and compassion are inspiring and invigorating! They partnered with Keller Futures Center, an organization dedicated to the concept of  ’design thinking’ and its practical application to the unique situations in the world around us, for a three day seminar to ‘grow it forward’.  That is my term so it probably isn’t perfect but I feel it encapsulates what has been happening in that room so far.

The conference room we meet in is filled with some of the most innovative, passionate individuals I have had the privilege of meeting;  members of WMCAT, their board and innovative and brilliant minds from around west Michigan.  How I got in the mix, I have no idea but don’t tell anyone because I can not wait for tomorrow’s session and I don’t want them to catch on!

I am a relative new comer to ‘design thinking’ but have done some research and championed a design intensive after school program at my previous position.  Something I would like to see happen more places btw!  Anyway-this is, perhaps, my second exposure and first participation and I am loving every second of it.  I am, by nature,  a synthesizer of info and a bit slow on the uptake when it comes to the sticky note concept (I find it a bit messy for my tastes) but the anticipation of day three, when we get to do the brainstorming/problem solving aspect, is going to make it hard to sleep tonight.  My brain is already churning with ideas…

So, all this being said-if you aren’t acquainted with these organizations, please take a moment to check them out.  I am off to try and wear off the caffeine and sugar buzz that is lingering (did I mention they had candy?)-have a great night!

When I accepted the director’s position I was taking it on faith that God would step in and do the necessary work because I was so NOT equipped for this role.  He did that and more-way more.  However, just as I had the ‘push’ to accept the job I also felt that same ‘push’ to let it go.  Nuts? Yeah. Economically wise? Probably not. A guided decision? You bet.  Do I know what comes next? Oh, heck no.  All I know is that I am breathing the fresh air of change this morning and that I am going to bake a Thanksgiving pie sometime today.  It feels good.

I am reading a great book right now- Plan B by Pete Wilson.  I have been slowly working  my way through it as I have been processing the transition I am experiencing.  The tagline for the book is “What Do You Do When God Doesn’t Show Up the Way You Though He Would” but I really purchased it for the idea of a Plan B.  Wilson offers some great insights and some very practical advice and I highly recommend it (I have the Nook version and love the fact that I can read it on my phone too! ).  I am pretty sure that Plan B could be called Plan C, D, E, and on…

I have learned to accept the fact that I cannot anticipate, expect or plan for whatever it is that God intends for me-the only thing I know to be true is that I need to be willing to say yes.  Even when I might be feeling a big fat NO.  I am pretty sure that God has his plan-and will use whatever means he feels best to accomplish that plan-scripture is filled with situations and experiences that defied expectations.  I also have no doubt that He shows up consistently-it is what he expects of us that is unexpected-and that can be the challenge. Leave a stable job-sure no problem-I was expecting that…ummm, no. In the big picture aspect a job is no biggie but something that it is nice to have around for things like paying bills and mortgages and buying groceries.

So, I am watching the wind blow at the remaining tenacious leaves clinging to their gray branches. Just let go already because you are so not going to win this battle little guy….  Me?  I am going to finish my tea, head to the store and grab what I need to make pie and wait for His next move.  I am not sure what plan letter I am on for my life but I am grateful that He has a plan A that will never fail.

Best wishes for a happy Thanksgiving!

I was perusing twitter when I came across this post by Jeff Goins.  I do this constantly-in fact Self-sabotage should really be something I add on my linkedin list of skills.  OK, maybe not a good idea but definitely something worth addressing.  Check it out-Stop Apologizing for your Art

It’s really kind of funny when I think about it-at the point when I was beginning to feel as though I might have some hope as that confident, satisfied and successful (according to some standards) woman I was faced with a situation where someone ten years my junior-who happened to be my boss- reminded me that I might be older but he was smarter and that I should trust his judgement. Humph. Someone as confident, satisfied and successful as myself  should be able to laugh it off and chalk it up to inexperience (not mine).  Granted, I have gray hair-it started when I was nineteen and has gained healthy ground ever since.  I made the choice to accept it rather than fight it and-quite frankly-I had never had anyone tell me when I was younger that I had the greatest mousy brown hair. However, I have had this happen with the gray. In check out lines. In dressing rooms. In places where women just act like women. Yes, I am happy with my decision to live up to my gray.  What I am not happy with is where I am. There. I said it.

I have an amazing job-most folks would love to have it.  I have decided it is time to let one of them have a go at it.  The things I have always wanted have never involved what I am doing.  Do. Not. Get. Me Wrong. Here.  What I am currently doing has value-powerful value-but I am not the one to continue doing it.  I am cut out for different things and you know what? I am so good with it.

Occasionally, I talk about the more important issue of faith and this comes into play in this situation as well.  I gave up what I love to go a direction I knew God was leading me to do and I was rewarded beyond what I anticipated.  I also learned that I am capable of whatever it is that God chooses to assign to me. Oddly enough, in accepting what He put me to do-He also showed me what I could be doing-only differently.  As much as it would be easier to continue doing what I am doing I am hearing that I have done what I was called to but that I have done it and  I could be doing what I have always wanted to do.  Something that is simpler, closer to who I am, and-did I mention-what I have always wanted to do.

I know for a fact that I am not unique-that there are others that have felt the way I have or experienced what I have. Nothing. New. But it is new to me and disquieting territory.  I heard someone say once that something worth the doing was not always going to be easy-and it hasn’t been-nor will the path ahead be any easier. BUT, easy or not it needs doing.

In the meantime-life forges on and people are experiencing terrible and beautiful things, all at the same time.  My  role will continue to evolve in this existence-as will everyone else’s.  My dilemma is simple in the grand scheme of things but changing me-none-the-less.  My hope, and prayer, is that those who are suffering and struggling will find peace and direction and breathing space.  That they (or you) will be aware of the the presence of God and that it will comfort.

So, as I multi-task and wax philosophical I also anticipate.  God is working here-and where ever you are as well.  I am not sure he is working through the Sex in the City episode I am enjoying but I am going to do just that-enjoy it and wish you a peaceful night. G’nite.

I have frequently written about my job and how fortunate I am to have a job that has such tremendous potential to do good for so many people-something I still believe.  Why is it then that I face a conflict in conviction?  What I know is that it is good and right and true-what I wonder is if it is still what I am suppose to be doing.  Not an easy thing to grapple with.  There is something that I am suppose to learn from this whole experience and I would feel a whole lot better if I had a syllabus that would explain the outcomes of this experiment!

The exponential growth rate I have experienced over the last year has stretched me beyond bounds of my understanding of myself and my capacities and I have welcomed it (especially since it didn’t come with stretch marks!).  What is strange is that I feel-literally feel-that I have reached a wall.  What is equally confounding is that I simply don’t know what comes next. Stay? Go? A combination of both?

I have hours of rumination and prayer ahead of me…and hopefully resolution.